Healing from chronic illness: from full-time job to full-time life

Healing from chronic illness takes a lot of work. It takes time, research, and a whole lot of patience (transferable skills thank you very much!). Let’s take today as an example. It is Friday morning. I have a long list of things I need to do for my “actual” job (aka a full-time PhD). But I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to do some detoxing. This is very important for most people with chronic illness, but especially so when you are killing off infections such as Lyme because killing infection releases toxins into the body, often at a rate faster than the body is able to process and remove. So, detoxing is important, but it’s also time consuming. One of my preferred methods of detox is to take an Epsom salt bath, which I try and do at least a couple of times a week.

So this morning, Friday morning, I decide to take an Epsom salt bath. There’s not much you can to do be productive while you are in the bath so I decided to read my book while I was in there. I am currently reading Radical Remission by Kelly A Turner. Sidetrack – this book is amazing and I highly recommend it. Kelly is a researcher who, for her PhD, interviewed people who had had “radical remission” from cancer diagnoses that had very poor prognoses. She asked people to talk about the factors they thought contributed to their remission, and the book describes the top nine factors that people described. It is specific to cancer but honestly I think healing is healing, and the book is very relevant to anyone who is struggling with their health. Even if you don’t struggle with your health, it’s an interesting read.

So yes, I am in the bath reading my book, and both of these activities are related to my health. If I hadn’t struggled with chronic illness I wouldn’t be doing either of these things.

Then I get a message from a friend asking if I would like to join her for a dog walk at lunchtime. And I think it through. That PhD to-do list isn’t getting any shorter while I lie there in the bath reading my book, and it isn’t going to get any shorter if I go for a walk either. So I consider saying no. But, I haven’t moved my body much recently and that isn’t good for anyone’s health. Walking is one of my preferred forms of exercise because it is gentle enough not to over-stimulate my sensitive nervous system, it gets me outdoors in nature breathing in fresh air, and it helps to stimulate lymph flow which is good for the immune system. Plus, I get to socialise and have some time with dogs which is probably one of the best things for my health (I mean, I literally want to cuddle dogs All. Day. Long.) So I weigh it all up. In the short-term, it is best for my PhD if I say no to the dog walk, but best for my health if I say yes. A contradiction that in times gone by would have caused me a lot of stress. But really, it is a no-brainier, because when I am healthy and strong I am able to work much more productively on my PhD anyway, and I can always spend Friday evening catching up if I feel able to. So in actual fact, by taking time out to do what is good for my health, I am also doing what is good for my work and home-life too.

I say yes to the dog walk.

And I am lying there, still in the bath, reflecting on how it will probably be about half of my Friday taken up by a bath and a dog walk – things I am doing for my health. And a year ago this would have freaked me out. How can I ever have a normal life if I have to take half the time out of my working day just to support my health? It’s so unfair that I have to spend so much of my time doing things related to my health when most people would be able to do whatever the hell they wanted with their time without having to consider their health. For all the normal people out there (whatever is a “normal” person anyway?!) health is just a given and not something they have to consider when they weigh up every single decision in their day. How on earth can one person cope with chronic illness when it is basically a full-time job, on top of an actual full time job and all the responsibilities at home and in the maintenance of relationships with partners/friends/family?

That’s what the old me would have thought. And the thoughts are right there at the surface so I could easily go back to that place of feeling overwhelmed and like a victim and how it’s all so unfair, this full-time job of having chronic illness.

But then the realisation hits me that this no longer feels like a full time job any more. I can’t WAIT to join my friend for a dog walk, and I am loving this bath. How lucky I am to lie here for half an hour in the warmth and read this book which is so fascinating and inspiring. And if I’d never have struggled with my health I wouldn’t be doing these things. I wouldn’t be prioritising what is good for my body and my mind and my soul. I wouldn’t have learned that health is so precious because like we all do when we are healthy, I’d be taking it for granted.

And I realise that this isn’t a full time job for me any more. It is just my life. I choose to take a bath because I know that it helps to support my body in the healing process; I choose this book because it is totally fascinating to me and maybe I can learn something from these stories; I choose to walk with my friend because I know that it will nourish my mind and my body.

Allowing my body to heal and striving to be truly healthy for the rest of my life, is not a job. It’s not something I have to feel like a victim for or that I need to wish was different somehow. Wanting the very best for this precious body of mine is just how life is now. Prioritising health is my life. And what a beautiful life that is.

The power of the human body

Time and time again I tell myself “I don’t think I can do that”, and my body proves me wrong.

Those who know me know that yoga is a huge part of my life. It is more than just a hobby, it is a way of life. I highly recommend yoga for anyone with (or without!) chronic illness, because yoga really is accessible to everyone. I will admit that my absolute favourite parts of yoga are the headstands, the handstands and all other things that really challenge me physically. But here’s the thing: yoga isn’t really about the headstands, handstands or any other fancy poses. Yoga means ‘to yoke’; to unite; to join; to connect. It is a process of becoming more aware of who we really are. The poses we typically associate with ‘yoga’ in the West are one way of working towards this, but anything that helps us connect with ourselves is yoga. Therefore, anyone can practice yoga. It doesn’t require physical fitness, it assumes no religious underpinning, and it doesn’t mean you have to pay £8 to attend a class. Sit for 5 minutes focusing on the sensations in your body – yoga. Use techniques to regulate your breath when you feel stressed – yoga. Practice self-compassion, being honest with yourself about what is right for you – yoga. In fact, everything we do could be yoga if we practiced it with full awareness.

For the last couple of years I have dabbled in acroyoga, which combines yoga with acrobatics, working with and supporting other people in pairs or groups. There are a million reasons why I love acroyoga: it appeals to my love of a physical challenge, it pushes me outside my comfort zone, it builds trust and communication, and above all, it is seriously good fun! Around 6 months ago I had a bad patch health-wise, my mental health and motivation suffered, and I stopped practicing acroyoga. Before I knew it, I was out of practice and convinced I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore, and acroyoga was no longer a part of my life.

Just before Christmas, I was having a good week and I bit the bullet and went to my local acroyoga class. I was nervous about going. I really didn’t know what I would be able to manage physically, I had been out of action for so long and I was convinced that I would no longer be able to do the things I used to be able to do, that everyone else would be better than me and that I would have a miserable time (self-pity anyone?!).

Well, how wrong I was! I managed all the poses I could do before, including the one in the picture, which I had actually really struggled to get the hang of when I was practicing regularly, and which I’d only ever successfully done twice before (thanks to my fellow acroyogi for letting me use this picture!). But more than that, I had fun. I instantly reconnected with the wonderful community of acroyogis and I forgot about all my problems. It was the happiest I had felt for a long time.

I honestly cannot believe what my body allowed me to achieve that night, but when I think about it, I really don’t need to be upside down hanging off someone’s legs to realise how powerful my body is. I have been chronically sick for years and yet every day my heart continues to beat, my lungs continue to breath, and my body allows me to live a relatively normal life. Day after day I feel my body struggling just to make it to the end of the day, and yet, after 6 months of inactivity I was still able to do challenging poses and even learn some new poses. I have absolutely no idea how my body does it, but it does. Time and time again I tell myself “I don’t think I can do that”, and my body proves me wrong.

I know that I am fortunate. I know that for many with chronic illness, a good day means making it to the shower. I am lucky that my body allows me to achieve things that for many would feel impossible. But the message is still the same. Chronic illness can feel like a daily battle: me vs body. It can feel like my body is punishing me, fighting me, willing me to give in and just be sick. And then I have moments like that evening at acroyoga, and I am reminded that my body is not fighting me at all. My body is willing me to be well, not sick. Even in my sickest times, my body continues to chug along in the background, waiting patiently for me to be well again. My body is not my enemy, it is my friend.