Loneliness is a funny old thing. I’m 28 years old and I have a more active social life than I’ve ever had. I have so many wonderful people I can call friends, friends of all ages from all walks of life who each offer me something different but equally rewarding, and who I can hopefully offer something to in return. I have a big and very supportive family who all live nearby. And I have a boyfriend.
And yet, chronic illness leaves an inevitable trail of loneliness. The unpredictability of good days and bad days means that you can go from a social life in full swing to intense isolation at the drop of a hat. Days and evenings where your fun plans are cancelled in exchange for pyjamas and the television.
Even when I’m not physically isolated, when I manage to make it into work, to yoga class, or even to meet up with friends, I often do these things feeling a long way off 100%. There is a constant trade off between not pushing myself too hard but doing as much as I can for the sake of my mental health. And therefore, sometimes I do things when I know in my heart that my body wants me to rest. I think this is probably something I need to get better at; listening more to my body. But these are hard decisions to make on a daily basis, knowing that going out might make you sicker, but staying home might push you over the boundary into an emotional low.
And so, sometimes, I will be out and about, doing my daily routine while feeling unwell. And it is in these moments, when I am physically still connected to people, that I feel the most isolated. Because in those moments I look around and see my friends, family, colleagues, living the life I long to live. I am filled with envy for everyone who is able to get on with their day to day life without the constant worries of chronic illness. It is a stark reminder of how hard it is for anyone else to understand my situation, to understand how it feels both physically and mentally to be living my world. I guess, ultimately, we are all alone in our bodies; no one else will ever know what it is like to be us. But on those days when I am functioning on the outside as a ‘normal’ human being, while feeling sick and tired as though the life has been sucked out of me on the inside, I feel a sense of deep loneliness and isolation, no matter how physically connected I am to others.
With my usual positive hat on I am trying to find a nice, cheerful way to wrap up this post. But I promised myself this blog would be my place to write my true feelings; not a show for anyone else, but a diary for me. So, here it is. I’m 28 years old. I have friends, family and a boyfriend. And sometimes, I feel lonely.